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This has to be the lamest excuse for failing a drug test that’s ever been used. Check it out:

From www.yahoo.com:

Officer claims wife put pot in meatballs

Fri Nov 3, 9:59 PM ET

A detective suspended after testing positive for drugs says his wife served him meatballs spiked with marijuana because she wanted to keep him out of harm’s way by forcing him into retirement.

An administrative judge believed him, and recommended this week that Anthony Chiofalo be reinstated.

Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly has yet to decide what to do.

“We can’t comment because the matter will still come before the police commissioner for a final determination,” said spokesman Paul Browne.

Chiofalo, a 22-year-veteran assigned to the Joint Terrorism Task Force, was suspended without pay last year after a random drug test found marijuana in his system. The officer denied ever using drugs and demanded a hearing.

During an investigation, his wife said she had substituted marijuana for oregano in her meatball recipe in hopes of forcing him to leave police work.

The detective’s lawyers also presented evidence that she had passed a lie-detector test, and offered testimony from a toxicologist that the excuse was valid.

Above: Street Value - $10,000

The guy and his wife must be some kinda genius liars though, because it looks like he’s going to get away with smoking a big fatty! Fuck it then, i’m going to start using drugs (again, for like the 20th time). And when my employer catches me, I’ll just use the following excuses:

• When caught with heroin in my system: “I was locked in a house with other strangers by a deranged cancer victim. He forced us to search the house for the antidote to the poison gas that he was pumping in through the vents. Some gangster dude got pissed when he found out he was supposed to jump into a pit of used needles to search for a key, so he threw me in instead…….Guess a couple of em had heroin residue on em.”
• When caught with cocaine in my system: “While walking down the street, I bumped into this guy, who dropped a big bag of something. The force of the bump tripped me up and I fell face-first onto the pillowy bag, which in the course of saving me from injury burst open and covered my face in powdery bliss……Guess it must of been a bag of Coke.”
• When caught with inhalants in my system: “Hey, I was cleaning out the garage and I had to check to make sure the cans of paint I had in there were still good…….all 120 of them.”

Thoughts on this story? You buying it for a minute? Any of you ever tested negative on a drug test or have any other great excuses to add?

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People are sheep. I am reminded of this on an almost daily basis. Most recently I saw this concept in action at the airport in Philadelphia on Sunday.

Donk was already mildly irritated because the flight had been delayed, leaving Mrs. Donk and I to stand around doing what we do best: not talking to eachother and not making eye contact. The waiting area was pretty small, but for some reason when the United Airlines employee got on the intercom to announce that boarding would commence, no one could understand a fucking word she could say; the speakers were too tiny, and her voice too mumbly.

The large crowd (is there any such thing as a half-full flight anymore?) immediately panicked like Nicole Ritchie in a Malt Shop. “Oh my God!” “I can’t hear what she’s saying!” “Can you hear her?” “What Zone are they boarding?” “This is ridiculous!” Every time the woman spoke on the intercom, the teeming masses became more and more riled up, and packed in closer and closer, jostling each other to cram forward so that they could get on the plane before anyone else. Here’s a couple of actual photos I took:

It was one of the most ridiculous displays of crowd-mentality I’ve ever seen. And for what? So they could hurry up and get on the plane to their assigned seats and sit there on their MickyD-fed asses and wait? Mrs. Donk and I were left shaking our heads with disgust…as we cut a swath to the front of the crowd using a broken beer bottle and a used tampon (I’ve never seen a crowd part so fast).

OK people, share some “People are Sheep” stories with Donkster. C’mon, it’ll be cathartic!

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As you know, Donk went to rural Pennsylvania this weekend for a friend’s wedding. It was a great time, and I picked up a few humorous tidbits and a couple of longer stories while I was out there. Today, let’s talk about the tidbits:

1. I learned that the British DON’T FUCK AROUND when it comes to stressing the dangers of smoking. Consider the labeling on this pack of cigarettes that my friend from England had with him:

I mean Christ, after reading these labels I hesitated to even touch the fuckin box!

2. My friend’s dad comes from hardcore redneck stock from generations back. This guy can tell story after hilarious story in his deep southern drawl, and has a million one-liners, so many that I still to this day seem to hear new ones everytime I see him. We refer to him affectionately as “Abs.”

Anyway, as we were all getting fitted for our tuxes, the middle-aged, proper East Coast woman that was assisting us noticed his accent and asked innocently, “That’s a very interesting accent you have there. Where are you from?” Abs looked at the woman as if she might be a little retarded, and, scrunching up his face, deadpanned the following: “Where do you think i’m from? I’M AMURCAN.” Needless to say, this brilliant nugget became the catchphrase of the entire trip. A couple of other Ab-isms from the trip:

- When asked how his dinner was: “Well, I reckon It’ll make a turd.”

- When threatening one of my friends with bodily harm: “Boy, I’ll pound you so flat you’ll have to pull your socks down ta take a shit.”

3. One of the friend’s of the bride was this really thin guy. He was really nice, but he had the most annoying nervous laugh of all time. It was so loud, and so obnoxious: just cringeworthy.

One morning at the hotel, Donk had just come down to breakfast and was still out of it. I stumbled over to the coffee bar and started to fill a cup with the sweet aromatic nectar, when from behind me I heard two of my friend’s talking. One of them suddenly started into a sarcastic, annoying laugh, which is sort of a schtick that my friends and I always do for some odd reason. Without turning around, my head still groggy with sleep, I began to mimic the laugh, as we’ve all been doing with eachother for years.

Imagine Donkey’s horror when he turned around to find the bride’s friend standing there, staring at me as if I’d just punched him in the solar plexus! Too stunned to say anything, I shamefacedly walked away. I’d made an ass of myself yet again.

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From: http://www.kfmb.com/stories/story.63730.html

Vons Worker Accused Of Putting Needles In Donuts

Last Updated:
09-18-06 at 6:53PM

He’s accused of putting pins in coworkers’ donuts at a Mira Mesa Vons, because he was having a bad day. Police say it went down on tape, but the suspect is denying he did it.Derrick Lentz, 19, appeared in court Monday, facing a felony charge for his actions on what he told police was just a bad day. He’s accused of booby-trapping a box of donuts last week.Lentz, who worked in the deli section, reportedly went into a break room, opened up an employee refrigerator and started pushing the pins into the donuts that belonged to another 18-year-old employee.“We do have evidence. There is video of the defendant in the break room when this occurred,” said Deputy District Attorney Melissa Vasel.Lentz’s coworker bit into one of the donuts and suffered minor injuries to the mouth. No one seems to know why the Mira Mesa College student would do something so random and dangerous. Police initially reported that the individual hurt wasn’t targeted for any specific reason.“Can’t speak for what his possible motive was, in this case. I just think we’re fortunate here that nobody was seriously hurt,” Vasel said.The actual charge against Lentz is one count of adulterating food, which is a felony. His bail is set at $50,000, and at last word, he was still in custody.

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Ya know what, I love donuts so fucking much that I MIGHT have just kept on eating and taken the hundreds of little pin-pricks. It would almost be worth the sugary, doughy goodness.

Seriously though, this kid is fuckin bush league. He put pins in a donut and let a co-worker eat it because he was having a bad day? Dude, if you’re going to do something, you gotta be prepared to go all the way with it. I mean, get creative, live your dreams. Here, I’ll even give you some ideas for next time you have a bad day.

1. Put rat poison in your co-worker’s GoGurt. When he begins to cramp up, give him some Ex-Lax.

GoGurt - Try our new Amazin’ Arsenic Flavor!

2. Core out your co-worker’s apple. Fill it with Fire-Ants and replace the top.

3. Poke a hole in the bottom of your co-worker’s can of Mountain Dew. Once it has completely drained, replace the liquid with anti-freeze. Glue hole and watch hysterically as your co-worker coughs up pieces of his stomach and lungs! Bad Day over!

Moments later, Chuck’s vital organs would shut down! Do the Dew Indeed!

4. With a sharp knife, shave off a few thin slices of flesh from your thigh. Then, replace the meat in your friend’s turkey sandwich with your leg meat. You’ll be laughing all the way to the ER!

5. Just go ahead and get it over with: Kill your co-worker. C’mon, you know it’s the only way the voices will stop. And besides, the golden leprechaun told you he’d not only aid with your escape, but give you a shiny treasure. So do it: baptize yourself with his blood!

Anyone else got some great ideas? I’d love to hear them!

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The third broadcast attempt by Donkey Sosa and Farmer Vincent (with a guest appearance by sister Claire) can be heard by clicking the play button below. In this broadcast, we hear how the battle of the eyeglasses was resolved. In addition, Farmer V. talks about his miscarried child and attempts to tell one of his long-winded stories in under 2 minutes as a timer counts down. Andy Dick, Spinach with E. Coli, Survivor, and dogs vomiting leaves and bone are also discussed. You won’t want to miss out on all of the wacky hijinks.

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Sure, most of us remember him as Ivan Drago (best name ever), Rocky’s nemesis in Rocky 4, but Dolph Lungren is so much more than just that one film. Dolph is an International talent, whose body of straight-to-Video work will live on long after…well it’ll live on, let’s just say that.

Donk felt it was time to recognize this hunky superstar with a mezmerizing pictoral spread. Ladies, be prepared with a change of panties, and fellas, well, maybe it’s best if you just look away. Without further ado, DonkeySosa presents: A Picture Tribute to Dolph Lundgren.

We salute you Dolph Lundgren. We salute you.

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So over the weekend I went to get some new glasses. A couple of months ago I had bought some new ones with those transitional lenses. You know, the ones that supposedly morph into sunglasses when you go outside. Well, they totally blew. Not only did the things barely tint when I was out in the sun, but they seemed always just a little darker even when inside, which did nothing to accentuate Donk’s dark, mysterious eyes (so I have dark circles under my eyes. What, you’re so frickin perfect?).

My wife agreed with my assessment of the glasses, and wanted me to get new ones also. Now, usually I make no fashion move without Mrs. Donk’s tacit approval. Not so much because I have a total lack of fashion sense (well, maybe a little) but because I really don’t care to hear the cacklings of this strong, opinionated woman echoing through my ears for days when she doesn’t happen to agree with my selection. So I asked her to come along with me to help me pick out my new glasses.

She declined to go.

I asked her about three more times before finally giving up. I should have seen the disaster coming. So I go to the store and after trying on about 15 pairs, I choose a pair of Ray Bans that I really, really like. They’re bright silver, bottomless frames that really brighten up my eyes, and to top it off the arms of them are a really cool orange color. When I walked out of that store, I was walking on air. I LOVED my new glasses, and I was convinced that Mrs. Donk would be so turned on by them that she would spontaneously orgasm before demanding that I sodomize her.

It was not to be. When I walked in the house and she saw them, I literally thought she was going to have an aneurysm. Her normally beautiful face contorting in rage and her mouth fell open. She then proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes telling me that I had picked out the worst glasses of all time and that she refused to be seen in public with me if I was wearing them. Furthermore, she told me that if I did not exchange them, she would go exchange them by herself or just buy me a new pair outright!

Her main bone of contention seemed to be the orange arms, which she thinks are horrendously ugly. And I don’t know, maybe she’s right. But I ask you this my friends: does she have the right to criticize my choice when she opted out of going with me?

So I need your help. Take a look at these glasses and give me your honest opinion: Are they in fact hideously ugly? Are they as great as I think? Or are they somewhere in between. Unfortunately, I can’t show me wearing them since I’m a very important man and must thus remain anonymous, so these pictures will have to do. Here they are:

So there you go. Now, be brutally honest: who is right, me or Mrs. Donk? Cool or ugly? Did she forfeit her right to complain by not going with me? Does anyone else have a kooky wife like mine? If not, want one?

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As the dark cloud that is the 5th Anniversary of the September 11th attacks settles over my heart and over this great Nation of Ours, I am seeing a ton of emphasis in blogs and in the media being put on this number:

2,996

It’s the number of victims killed in those horrible attacks, the number of innocent lives snuffed out by a group of vicious idealogues. I’m glad this number is being brought up so much on this important date, as we should always remember those that died on September 11th.

But if you will, please allow me a moment to give some other numbers, numbers that do a grave injustice to those 2,996 lost American souls. Numbers that make my blood boil.

• $313 Billion Dollars Spent on the War in Iraq thus far
• $105 Billion Dollars Spent on Homeland Security Since the Irag War began (see a disparity here?)
• 41,650 Iraqi Civilians Dead
• 19,910 US Soldiers Wounded in Iraq
• 2,668 US Soldiers Killed in Iraq
• 500 Prisoners Held Without Trial in Guantanamo
• 0 Weapons of Mass Destruction Found in Iraq
• 0 Connections between Iraq and Al Qaeda found

And, perhaps most importantly:

• 1 Al Qaeda Terrorist Mastermind still on the loose 5 years after orchestrating the 9/11 attacks.

So on this most somber of anniversaries, I feel people’s sorrow. I feel their sense of loss, of introspection. I feel all of these.

But where’s the sense of outrage?

Now let’s open the floor for discussion. Anyone have some other numbers? Disagree with me? Want to tell a story pertaining to September 11th or the WTC?

sources:

1. http://nationalpriorities.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=182
2. http://www.whitehouse.gov/omb/budget/fy2005/homeland.html
3. http://www.iraqbodycount.net/database/
4. http://icasualties.org/oif/default.aspx
5. http://www.cageprisoners.com/page.php?id=10

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Best…News Item…Ever

From www.news.yahoo.com:

Cell phones found inside four prisoners